What the heaven?
Previously on Black Jesus...
Oh, my sweet lord.
- Hey, mama. - I made these for you.
Chocolate mint pistachio with a dash of sea salt.
All right.
Those are for Jesus, fat-ass. You're a fat, bad-luck-having,
lazy nigga like your father.
My pit bull getting ready to have puppies. And I wasn't there when my kids
was born, but I'm gonna be there for my bitch.
So what was the big emergency last night?
These idiots broke into the Compton
boarding stables last night. And then they left the gates
open, and three or four horses got out.
Oh, we've been getting calls from all over Compton.
Go over to Fish's house, look around and find my shoes.
Sounds dangerous. [Burps]
- What do I get? - Macaroni and cheese, nigga.
I go get them shoes,
I want three nights in the bed. You sleep on the couch.
I think I'm gonna start my three days right now.
What is the thread count in these sheets?
[Glass shatters]
[Grunts] Oh, peace.
[Bleep] Nigga can't have no luxury
around this mother [Bleep]
Attention all complex residents! All residents to the courtyard!
The hell is your problem, man?
Yeah, you too, convict. Over here.
Got some tragic news. Had a little act of vandalism
last night. Somebody broke into my
priceless, mint-condition Oldsmobile cutlass supreme.
- My cutlass! - Oh, I can't believe this.
That's terrible.
Hey, maybe somebody was trying to air that bitch out
from all that fruity-ass, warm vanilla bean body splash you be wearing.
And maybe some bitch-ass
parolee did it because he was bored 'cause he ain't have shit of his own.
Huh, yeah.
And I want to find out who [Bleep] with my car.
And if anybody got any information, you bring it
directly to me, okay? Don't go to the police.
Bring it to me. I'm gonna handle it personally.
I got some information.
You know who broke in my car?
Yeah, man. I was in the van all night.
- I seen that shit, dawg. - So you know who broke my window?
Yeah.
But you know I can't tell you, Vic, 'cause I'm like you, brah.
I ain't no snitch.
Well, I ain't the police, so technically, you ain't snitching.
Look, Vic, you and I both know that if I gave
up the ghost on who broke in your car, you gonna be out here
trying to whoop somebody's ass, man, and don't nobody need to
- get hurt, brah. - Hey, you mess with my
car, somebody got to get hurt.
Pop's worried about you, man. You need to learn how to let
some of that stuff go, man. You gonna mess around and bust a
blood vessel or something, man.
Me and you got a problem. You know what that is?
The word respect. Yeah, you don't respect me.
Oh, come on, Vic. He just messing with you.
He don't know who did it. You know he's on that stuff...
that lean, that codeine, them mollies, PCP, LBJ, JFK.
I respect you, Vic.
No, you don't. But you will.
Hey, bother, what's up?
- What's up man? - Mm-hmm, that's right. Take it all.
I want all of this shit right here, I want it out of my house.
Yes, Ms. Tudi.
And you... I can't even look at you.
Mom, I'm telling you, I paid!
Tell the folks that's about to carry your deadbeat ass off to jail.
That's who you tell, 'cause I don't want to hear it.
Hey, baby. How you doing?
You know that this bitch is out here trying to catch him having shit?
Hiding in the bushes, taking pictures.
Oh, hell no.
Unh-unh.
Hey, jee, I know I messed up on a lot of stuff, man.
But, you know, I'm telling you, I look out for my kids, man.
Man, I feel you, my brother.
Know what I'm saying? I knew the day would come when
she would try to destroy my dream.
Yet somehow that didn't stop you from knocking her up twice.
Shut up.
You the only light-skinned girl got to wait in line at the club.
Hey, Boon, don't even trip, man.
These is only worldly possessions.
That ain't your future, man. That's your past.
Your babies is your future, dawg.
Just like his father.
Just a fat, stupid, lazy deadbeat like his father, down
to that ugly-ass track suit. And, by the way, ain't never
- seen a track a day in his life. - [Laughing]
- Hey, Ms. Tudi right. - [Laughter]
Do you have any idea how much product I move out of this house?
Last thing I need is for that
bitch and her attorney to be snooping around here.
Mom, that little bit of weed you selling, ain't
nobody tripping on that. And I'm telling you, Shalinka is
- not taking me to jail. - That bitch is mean.
Why he like mean bitches, huh? Can somebody tell me what he saw
in her in the first place? All she did was put you down and
curse you out. Stupid-ass mother [Bleep]
- Hey, Boon... - That's my mama
talking to me like that.
And she right. You better quit playing with that girl, Shalinka, man.
She gonna have you up under that county jail, man.
Look man, I paid. I swear I paid.
I can look in your heart and know you telling
the truth about paying the bread, man, but why is she on
your bumper so tough?
Well, see here's the thing, man. We're not together anymore.
I gave the money to the kids. I'm not giving Shalinka any money.
She's bad with money.
If I'm not sleeping with her no more, I'm not getting her weave done anymore.
Best to leave the car unlocked.
I see a car unlocked, I take
their change and don't bust up anything.
Got to be able to spot the warning signs.
David Koresh, Jim Jones...
That boy is a cult leader. My window got busted last night.
Probably some kind of strange initiation for one of his brainwashed followers.
Probably.
Let them come back tonight.
'Cause tonight, you gonna be watching my car.
- I am? - Yeah, I got $5, and I
got a sleeping bag you can set up right here on the sidewalk.
I don't know about that.
What you mean you don't know about that?
You're a bum. You sleep on the sidewalk all the time.
But tonight I'm not a bum.
I'm a security professional.
In order for me to do my job, I got to sleep in the car.
No way you're sleeping in my car, Lloyd.
But if someone sees me on the sidewalk, they know I'm watching the car.
If I'm sleeping in the car, I can catch anybody red-handed.
I let you sleep in my house once.
Smelled like ass for days.
Let me give you a deal.
Let me sleep in your car, you don't have to pay me.
Okay, fine. You sleep in the car.
We're gonna start with 10 days up front, all right?
- 10 days, perfect. - Yeah.
Your ass gonna sleep on some plastic, too.
All right, plastic. I don't care.
Right on the plastic.
Tell you something else, too. If you got to pass gas, you get
out the car. You pass gas outside the car.
Outside on the sidewalk.
- No farting in my car. - No farting. Deal?
Deal. And pull your hand back.
- It smells like bum ball juice. - Bum ball juice?
Horse shit.
[Rap music plays]
Hey! What up?! [Laughing]
Boon-Boon and boolinka! Ooh! What's up?
[Laughs] Hey, well, you happy?
I'm selling everything that I got.
I see you ain't selling your fancy track suits.
What? You want the track suit off my back?
Hell, no. You look like a mountain dew in
that track suit. Man, you need to be happy.
All this to pay you child support that I already paid.
Don't give me that bull, Boonie.
And by the way, your check bounced again.
I knew the check was gonna bounce.
I gave both of the kids $200 apiece last month.
Hey, tell your mama how much money I gave you.
Both: $10.
What? Tell the truth! Don't lie.
- Now, I gave you more than $10. - You're pathetic.
- It's the truth! - Even if it was the truth,
which it ain't, what kind of idiot would give little kids $400 in cash?
A highly intelligent idiot like me.
Move. You get on my nerves. Move.
Ain't nobody invite you in here.
All y'all move.
I'm taking pictures. I'm just taking pictures to see
where my money at. And I know what I'm doing.
Oh, no, no, no. Actually, I don't want any
pictures taken of me, so if you could just delete that?
Why don't you delete the part of your brain that told you you
could boss me around, bitch?! Think you better than me 'cause
- [bleep] My leftovers?! - Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Come on, we got kids right here, y'all.
- Come on, come on, come on, kids. - Uh, no.
There's been a huge misunderstanding.
There is no, no way that I am doing anything with him, so if
you could just delete that...?
Under no circumstances would I even consider it.
Instagram and Facebook, bitch. Oh, wait.
I forgot a caption. "This bitch like fat broke
niggas that don't pay child support," send, tag.
- [Laughter] - If the shoe fits, skank...
Oh, come on, ladies, please.
- Okay, that's enough. - You know what?
I got a shoe for your ass, bitch!
Maggie!
That's right.
- It's like that? - Run, Maggie.
[Drum roll]
- Maggie, no. - So what? Take it off.
She took the wig off, man! Run!
- You be good. You hold that. - I'm not scared.
You ain't gonna throw nothing.
- Ohh! Ooh! - Fish, we got to do something,
Hey, I'm on probation, man.
Come on, ladies. Y'all cut that out.
- Come on. What you gon... - Ooh!
- Stop, stop! That's enough! - Don't think 'cause you Jesus
- I won't whup your ass! - Ohh!
- Whoa! - Oh, my God.
- I was... - I'm sick of you!
What you want, Fish? What y'all want?
You ain't talking to me.
I'm talking to you. I don't care if you've been locked up.
Y'all ain't gonna do nothing!
- Ooh! - That's all you gonna do?
"Ooh!" I'm holding you under citizen's arrest.
You ain't holding me under shit, Trayvon!
Run!
You ain't gonna do nothing! You ain't got nothing!
Shalinka! Shalinka!
- I'm tired of your ass! - Shalinka!
Shalinka! Shalinka, that's a kid!
The kid shouldn't have got into shit!
- Jesus scared, too. - Nobody's scared of your fat ass.
I called the police on your ass and lied.
And we won't see your ass no
more, so you better get scared. Y'all ain't about that life.
I'm tired of it, Boonie. It's the third month.
You know what that means. You better have my money in
hours or your ass going to jail.
Boonie, I'm sorry...
- But you got to go. - What?
I don't need the police at my door.
I'm sorry. Just go, go, go, scoot.
Hey, come on, man. She pray to you.
Come on, Tudi. Don't be like that.
- Come on, now. - Jesus, I don't want to hear it.
You want to help?
Then wave your Jesus wand and fix him.
He got a good heart.
- We got to stick with him. - I need you out of here! Go! Go!
Mama, don't kick me out!
[Crashing]
I love you!
♪ yeah ♪
♪ yo, I love my city ♪ ♪ especially nighttime ♪
[Farting] ♪ my fifty cock cocked to the side ♪
♪ I mean business ♪
♪ everybody come and get it ♪ ♪ there's enough to go around ♪
♪ get, get ♪ ♪ go and get your mind right ♪
- ♪ yeah, you can go right ♪ - [Grunts]
[Sniffs] Hoo!
[Exhales sharply] [Groans]
- What the hell?! - Vic, this is the best
sleep I had in weeks. I love this car.
- Hell no, hell no! - What's wrong?
- What's up, huh? - What's up is you got to get out, bro.
Come on, man. You got to get out, man.
Where we going?
We ain't going nowhere, man.
I need you out of here, man.
- I'm still watching the car. - I got a hot date tonight.
Look, I got a hot date. I don't need you to watch the car tonight, okay?
That's nice.
- Where you going? - The Yard House.
What difference does it make to you anyway, man?
I ride along, watch the car while you're eating.
I don't need you to do that.
But we had a deal, Vic... 10 days I sleep in the car, 10 days!
Yes, when I'm not using the car.
I'm using the car tonight.
And you got it smelling like ass!
That's breach of contract.
You need to find somewhere where you can wash your ass real soon.
Vic!
Wash your ass, Lloyd. [Engine turns over]
- Goodbye, mother [Bleep] - Damn, Vic!
[Doorbell rings] All right.
I'll just stand back here when she comes out.
Come here with your strong ass!
Stop, Jesus. Stop! Stop playing.
You play too much. Don't feel like playing.
I'm being attacked!
Y'all go in the house, go.
Come on. Y'all get in the house.
I need to talk to Jesus. Come on.
Don't kick my son no more.
- I was just playing. - I know you are.
But I don't know why you brought Tray up here, always lurking around.
Double agent self, always
standing around listening to people.
Ain't no business around here. Jesus, I'm sorry about what
happened, but y'all shouldn't have intervened in our personal business.
Link, this me and you, girl, right?
Right.
Now, you know we go way back.
Now come on, girl. I know how important this bread is to you.
I do.
But seeing they daddy go to jail ain't gonna do them kids no good, girl.
Now I know Boonie be cutting up,
like, all the time, and pops know, too.
But right now what we want to know is, what can the boy do to
- get it right with you? - He can give me my money tomorrow.
That's what the boy can do.
He might not have the money tomorrow.
But you know we got this community garden cracking, right?
I heard.
No, I'm serious. It's cracking right now.
- It's really popping. - I heard about it.
- It's so dope... - Trayvon, ain't nobody talking to you.
Man, that's so rude, man.
God.
Anyway, I swear to pops, the boy coming down
there every day, putting in his work just like he's supposed to.
But, you know, teamwork make dream work.
Give us a little time and the boy gonna have the bread for you.
And in the meantime, what do
- I get? - Shit.
What you want?
This don't have nothing to do with you, Trayvon!
I don't even know why you up here!
We looking at you, Tray.
- Car's this way. - Go somewhere.
Jesus don't need no assistant.
Well, anyway, what do you... what do you want?
I want another chance with Boonie. I'm never gonna find a man that
really wants to raise these kids like a real father.
- I'm throwing in the towel. - Shalinka...
- I just want Boonie back. - Slow down,
Shalinka. Knock that off.
Jesus, he's the best I'm gonna do.
You don't know that.
Who told you that? Girl, you are a beautiful,
intelligent, attractive, strong as an Olympic wrestler girl.
Agree.
But you got a lot going for yourself so much, girl.
Look at you. Love is out there for you, girl.
You better not front on love, girl.
Right there, that's it.
Yeah, that's it. Okay.
All right. Yeah, that's it.
- Here you go. - Hobo power. Oh, yeah.
Hobo power. [Lock clicks]
[Farts]
Just talk to her.
Take her to lunch or something, fool.
Apologize a little bit, man.
Hell, no. Absolutely not.
No.
Brah, think about what you're doing, Boon.
I mean, what are you saying?
God wants us to be together?
What?
- No, that ain't what I'm saying. - Look, what are you saying?
What I'm saying is, pops don't want your black ass in jail, fool.
No. No. No.
[Sniffs]
- Do you smell that? - Smell what, baby?
- Smells like ass. - Ass?
[Chuckles] It's probably coming from outside.
Ain't me.
- I'm wearing Hai Karate. - I noticed.
[Chuckles] [Brakes squealing]
[Engine shuts off] Sorry, baby, I'm not gonna be
able to hang out. I got to get up early in the
- morning, you know? - Oh, okay.
So I can make you one of my world-famous omelettes.
That is, if you decide to hang out for a little while.
- [Both chuckle] - I'm sorry.
It's just, the smell. I don't know if it's you, but
- something really stinks. - Maybe it's your upper lip, bitch.
Aah!
- Aah! Aah! Damn! - Oh, shit!
What the [Bleep] is that you sprayed in my face, bitch?!
Aah! Damn!
What kind of women you hang out with?
- Why you do that to me?! - Oh, look. [Chuckles]
She left her purse. Look at that.
- Ah, shit! - Here, that's your woman.
Take the purse.
- Little young punk. - I got your wallet, bitch!
And you ain't getting no
[bleep] Omelette! Shit!
Come on, y'all. Let's pray.
That's the only way we gonna get through this.
Let's bow our heads. Dear heavenly father, we ask
that you deliver our friend, Boonie, from this confusing
conundrum that he got his self into.
We know without you nothing is possible and through you all
things are possible. In my magnificent and holy name, we pray, Lord.
Amen.
- Mom? - Well?
- Hey. - Hey, ain't nothing funny.
They arresting my son for being a deadbeat.
Don't expect me to come see your
ass in jail, either. You hear me?
Shit.
[Organ music plays]
I guess this is it. You're happy, ain't you?
It ain't too late, Boon man.
You still got action, brah. Just apologize to the girl, man.
Be nice to her. Chunky meat got a new location, man.
She want to go.
- Take her to lunch. - Man, I ain't going near her.
Is that Daboonde Johnson?
Yes.
Daboonde, get up.
- Get up. - Hey, man.
Look, I know why you're here. I don't have any money.
So you guys do what you got to do.
Daboonde, I'm placing you under arrest.
Cuff him. Come on.
Them cuffs is kind of tight, man.
- You know my boy bruise easy. - Well, Jesus?
I'm sorry, Shalinka.
Hey, Shalinka, I want you to know we haven't got a
shot at being together. I mean, I know I'm not perfect,
but I respect bitches. You see what I'm saying?
So I need a bitch that respect me.
So if it comes down to me being with you versus going to jail,
- shit, I choose jail. - Well, y'all need to take him to jail.
Hey, Shalinka, think about it.
Come on, girl.
- Why they arresting daddy? - Because daddy owes us a lot of money.
So? He already paid.
- Daddy gave you this? - I knew it.
- Yeah. - I knew it!
I told you. I told you all I'd take care of my kids, man.
How many times did I ask
y'all if daddy gave you money? Why didn't you tell mommy earlier?
Because you was gonna spend it on hair weaves!
That's right.
You spend it on... well, y'all can un-handcuff me, man.
I'm not no criminal, man.
Yeah, that's right. Look at this cop.
Look like Fish's daddy at a jazz concert or something.
- What's happening? - Shalinka, we good?
We good, Detective Diggs. I got your number if I need you next time.
Tight-ass suit.
Look, Boonie, you know I don't really want to get back with you.
I just... I need help.
I need a partner raising these kids.
- All I'm asking for is your help. - Then let's try to
come to some type of understanding, 'cause, see, this
what go wrong... you always let me call you when I'm drunk, and
you always let me do it to you without protection.
See how that happens?
Look at that. What I always say?
Believe, huh? You see how that worked out?
Give me some! Yeah!
Believe in what? You didn't do anything?
I mean, but...
the kids had the bread the whole time.
I mean, that was a miracle right there.
- How you think that happened? - That wasn't no miracle.
That was my money.
What's this fool talking about?
'Cause Jesus don't know what he talking about.